Sarah Kay: Finding Myself After Living Everyone Else’s Expectations

How depression, expectations, and unpicking my own beliefs led me back to myself

Have you ever done everything you thought you were “supposed” to do…
and still thought, “There’s GOT to be more than this?!”

That was me and my favourite saying
For longer than I’d care to mention

I grew up in a very loving family. No big dramas. Lots of good memories. You’re average 80s/90’s upbringing.
But from a young age I was the self proclaimed black sheep.

I didn’t always laugh at the same things they did. They didn’t always laugh at what I found funny. I couldn’t explain it — I just felt a bit… different. Like ‘there must be something wrong with me if I don’t find joy in the same things they do’

As a teenager, I was your standard stroppy, hormonal mess (sorry, Mam). But underneath that, depression had quietly moved in. Not what I’d call a severe depression where I couldn’t get out of bed, more of a black cloud that felt heavy over my head for no apparent reason.

High school had me surrounded by yet more people I didn’t feel I “fit the mould” with. I had a couple of good friends, but even with them I probably mirrored their behaviours and likes. I liked certain bands and music, but everyone else was obsessed with Take That… so obviously I put a Take That poster on my wall and tried to fit in. (Ironically, I do love them now.)

Things felt easier when I found a group of lad mates in my final year of school. Finally life felt simpler. Lighter. I managed my depression… but I didn’t really understand it.

Surviving, not thriving

My 20s were basically one long box-ticking exercise:

House ✔
Full-time job ✔
Boyfriend ✔ (on and off…)

I worked in purchasing in manufacturing. I liked it. I didn’t love it. But I had a strong belief that if you wanted nice things, you had to work hard — and that no one really enjoyed their job anyway.

I always had a bar job alongside my “proper” job. Partly for the money… but also because I loved the vibe, the people, the energy. I felt alive there — I just didn’t think that kind of joy was a valid life direction.

Behind it all, the black cloud stayed. I smiled a lot, but I used to describe myself as feeling “dead behind the eyes” as the smile rarely reached them. Depression was always there — quiet, heavy, exhausting.

I thought happiness would come from change, so I switched jobs… many…. many times. Mostly sideways moves. Why? Because I believed I wasn’t clever enough to go for the roles I actually wanted.

I mean, I only met 80% of the criteria. Clearly not good enough.
(Fun fact: men apply when they meet about 45%. Make of that what you will.)

Running away (with a visa)

I did have one long-standing dream: to live abroad. It started when I was 14. I’d worked abroad briefly at 18, loved it, came home… then fell straight back into eat–sleep–work–repeat.

At 28, I panicked. Now or never.
So I got a visa, packed up my life, and moved to Australia. Sun. New start. THIS is what I needed to make me happy…. Right?

Shockingly, extreme happiness was not waiting for me with open arms.
After three months, I was back in Hull — embarrassed, deflated, and convinced I’d somehow failed at the only thing I thought I wanted.

So naturally… I tried another dramatic life decision (because I apparently don’t do things by halves)

Settling down (or just settling)

I got married.

Because what 30-year-old in a stable relationship wouldn’t want marriage and kids?
(Those weren’t even my beliefs — they were borrowed from society, family, and expectations.)

I wanted love and partnership — I still do. But that marriage? He wasn’t my person. And deep down, I think I always knew.

Not long after our second wedding anniversary, I walked out.

People told me I was brave. I didn’t feel brave — just sensible.
I’d already started questioning my life, and I wasn’t about to stay somewhere I felt unhappy

My turning point (a slow yet consistent one)

There wasn’t one big “aha” day. It was a process.
But it started with a therapist asking one simple question:

“On a scale of 1–10, how do you feel… and how do you want to feel?”

That question floored me.

I wanted 8s, 9s, 10s — because surely life was meant to feel better than scraping by on 3s, 4s, and 5s?

That’s when I realised it had always been about how I felt inside.

I started educating myself then I went from accepting ‘this is the way it is’ to seeing what I could do. From reading self help books, to trying holistic therapies my motto was “If you never try, You’ll never know”.
Manifesting. Mindset work. Understanding beliefs. Energy. Awareness. Therapy. Reflection. Trial and error.

Some things stuck. Some didn’t. But the consistency of trying was there…. And momentum followed. Overall I learned to give myself permission to be fully, unapologetically me. I learned that shifting my mindset was key to creating my better life. Laughter was my medicine and I found the right people to do that with, and I found gratitude in the little things, a walk, been present.

One huge realisation in this mindset shift changed everything:

Beliefs aren’t facts.
Just because you think something doesn’t mean it’s true.

I’d been living a life shaped by beliefs I’d absorbed from others — caregivers, society, expectations — without ever questioning whether they were right for me.

Growing alongside Women Outdoors

Around this time, I was also spending more time outdoors — not as an “adventurer”, but as someone who needed space to think and breathe.

Emma, who now runs Women Outdoors UK, is a great friend of mine. Before the company existed, we were just heading out for hikes together — talking, reflecting, often getting lost, giving each other advice, and just enjoying it.

Watching her grow Women Outdoors UK while I was growing myself has been genuinely special. Two very different journeys, but both rooted in self-trust, courage, and doing things our own way.

Where I am now

Now, I live aligned to my values, I am unapologetically, authentically me.

I make decisions from clarity, not fear.
I know I’m capable of more than I once believed and I back myself to the core.

And most importantly…

I feel like me.

That didn’t come from one big breakthrough or suddenly “fixing” myself. It came from learning to question the beliefs I’d been living by, understanding how my mindset shaped my choices, and giving myself permission to live in a way that actually felt good — not just one that looked good on paper.

Training as a coach deepened my understanding of how powerful beliefs are — especially the quiet, unquestioned ones that so many women carry without realising. I could see, again and again, how often it isn’t a lack of ability or motivation that keeps women stuck… it’s the stories they’ve absorbed about who they’re allowed to be.

Why I do what I do

I don’t do coaching because I’ve “cracked life”.
I do it because I’ve lived the messy, confusing, unhappy days — and I know there’s another way.

If my story helps even one woman put herself back at the top of her priority list and choose a life that genuinely lights her up, then I’m happy.

And if you’re nodding along thinking “bloody hell, that’s me” — you’re not broken.
You just might ready for your next chapter.

Want to stay connected?

I spend my time working with women who feel stuck, overwhelmed, or quietly disconnected from themselves — supporting them to untangle beliefs, rebuild trust in themselves, and create lives that feel lighter and more true.

You can find me here if you’d like to follow along or connect:

No pressure. Just a space to explore what your version of “feeling like you again” could look like.